Lighten' up and Laugh

LESSONS TO BE LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK . . .

  One:  Don't miss the boat.

Two:  Remember that we are all in the same boat.

 Three:  Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. 

Four:  Stay fit. When you're 600 years old someone may ask you to do something really big. 

Five:  Don't listen to critics, just get on with the job that needs to be done.

 Six:  Build your future on high ground. 

Seven:  For safety's sake travel in pairs.

 Eight:  Speed isn't everything. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

 Nine:  When you're stressed, float awhile.

 Ten:   Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals.

 Eleven:  No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting!

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

 1. On Sears hair dryer:
    Do not use while sleeping."
   (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bag of Fritos:
    "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
    (Evidently, the shop lifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap:
   "Directions: Use like regular soap."
   (And that would be how... ?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
    "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
    (But it's *just* a suggestion)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed                                                                       
    on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
    (Oops, too late!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    "Product will be hot after heating."
     (As night follows the day .... )

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
    "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
    (HELLO!?)

10.  On most brands of Christmas lights:
       "For indoor or outdoor use only."
       (As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor:
      "Not to be used for the other use."
       (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
      "Warning: Contains nuts."
       (NEWS FLASH)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
 "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
 (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

14. On a child's Superman costume:
 "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
  (I don’t blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

 15. On a Swedish chain saw:
       "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
       (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief)

 16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
       "Do not use on food."
        (Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! Its OK honey just grab the Palmolive!)

17. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
      "Remove clothing before distributing in wash."
       (Hey kids, no more swimming in the washing machine).

Kids

1. The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny!  What are 4, 2, 28     and 44?"  Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

 2. When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
    "Is that your grandmother?" I asked.  "Yes, "Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does      she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her,"

 3. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask what
    color it was. She would tell me and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.  At last, she headed for the
    door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

 4. When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he
    spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his Mom asked.  "The box says you can't     eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

 5. This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning.  He had made her coffee.  She drank what was
     the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup.  She
     said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"  Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV 'The best part of               waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"  

6. In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby.  The gentleman kept repeating softly,
    "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."  A woman standing next to him said, "You     certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."  The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

7. A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.  On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,
  "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."  "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked    underneath," he replied.  "I think it's printed on the bottom." 

8.While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my
   afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and                    wheelchairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.  As I braced myself for the inevitable
   barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"  

9. A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy,
    you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

10.While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.      Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.  Feeling that proper burial should be performed,
     they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
     The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he
     thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. And unto the Soonnn.......and into the hole he gooooes."

11.A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write,     and they won't let me talk!"

Go To Home Page

©2002 Life Unwrapped